Author: Juliet Sampson
11th Grade
Educator: Lindsay Seelig
Fargo
So, let me
guess, you want to be a college student, huh? No doubt you’re feeling
incredibly stressed about the whole process of comparing colleges, and filling
out those pesky applications. Well, never fear, for I am here to help!
First things first, let’s see
what advice we can find on the Internet. The World Wide Web can be a pretty
good starting point for seeing what it takes to get into a prestigious
university. Say, here’s an online forum for aspiring collegiates. Why don’t we
take a look?
Chance me pls!!
—Brainiac13
I’m
applying to Ivy Leagues, UCLA, UC Berkeley, MIT, and Stanford and I just wanted
to know my odds of getting in. Here are my stats:
Scored
36 on ACT and 1600 on SAT. Took all the SAT Subject Tests because I couldn’t
pick just two, but I got 800s on all of them anyway
Achievements:
Captain
of varsity soccer team
Elected
student body president 3 times
Chosen
to be valedictorian twice (I was selected to speak for last year’s graduating
class, too)
Published
3 books
Learned
17 different languages
Built
a functioning nuclear reactor
Performed
extensive research in several different fields of science
Discovered
the cure for 5 different types of cancer
Pls
respond I’m dying to know!!!
—Educ@tedGuess
Idk
man. id say u have a 15% chance at best.
—2Obvious
Lol
u have to find the cure for at least 6 different types of cancer to even be
considered.
… Actually, never mind.
Looking at online sites is only making you feel even more stressed about
getting into college, and besides, the Internet isn’t really the most reliable
source of information. I know! Why don’t we take a tour instead? My friend here
goes to a highly selective school, and she can probably give you tons of
reassuring advice while you survey the beautiful campus scenery. Here she comes
now!
“Hi, I’m Felicity, a student
at the University of Your Dreams! Here at UYD, we pride ourselves on being the
best of the best. If you look around, you will notice that there are many
students walking from class to class. All of them are probably a hundred times
more intelligent, hard working, and ambitious than you can ever hope to be. In
fact, the workload here at UYD is so staggering that even if you were somehow
magically able to get accepted here, you’d probably just end up flunking out,
anyway.
Because
I happen to be one of those people, I am going to take a moment to have you and
the rest of your tour group get to know each other by playing one of those
“icebreaker” games. Y’know, the ones where you say your name and something
about yourself, and then the person next to you has to do all of that for
himself, and then repeat what you said, and then the person next to him has to
do the same thing, and so on and so forth. Anyway, it will quickly become
obvious to you that all of the other teens touring with you today are
significantly more accomplished than you, and as a result, you will begin to
wonder why you even bothered to come here. Clearly, you don’t stand even a
fraction of a chance of getting in, and all you’ve managed to do today is get
some eye rolls from your peers when you listed “getting an A in AP Biology” as
your biggest accomplishment. Please. If the girl next to you is freaking out
about UYD despite being a nationally recognized debater or something equally
prestigious, you probably shouldn’t even bother applying.
Now
that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go look at all of the famous
buildings and pieces of artwork scattered across campus, many of which you are
already familiar with. After all, this is the University of Your Dreams, and
you’ve probably spent many an evening or class period looking longingly at
pictures of all of these things, and reading accounts from students that go
here, when you probably should have been studying. Against your better judgment,
you have fallen in love with this place, and wish fervently that you could
spend the next four years of your life here. Sadly, we both know that’s never
going to happen.
Okay,
we’ve reached the end of our tour. I’d recommend you take one last look, because
frankly, this is probably the last time you’ll ever see this place. Thank you
so much for joining me!”
Uh, well then. Thank you for
your time, Felicity?
Okay, so maybe that didn’t go
quite the way I anticipated. But you know what? It won’t be the end of the
world if you don’t get into the University of Your Dreams. Plenty of smart and
successful people went to significantly less prestigious colleges, and that
didn’t stop them from achieving their dreams. Honestly, you probably wouldn’t
have been able to afford it, anyway.
Life is all about compromise,
and odds are good that you’ll be able to find a college that will both be a
good fit for you, and a springboard for pursuing your passion, whether it’s
building rockets or writing poetry. Plus, you’ll have a great job to look
forward to as a reward for all your hard work!
Oh, hey, speaking of jobs for
college graduates, here’s an article I just found!
NEW YORK — According to a
recent poll, more and more college grads are having trouble finding jobs.
“It’s like a degree just
isn’t worth anything anymore,” says Wyatt, who works as a cashier at
McDonald’s. “Now you have to either go to grad school, or settle for a
low-paying job outside of your field.”
“How am I supposed to pay off all of my
student loans when I’m barely making thirty thousand a year?” laments Jason.
The young math teacher sank $80,000 into his education degree, and has been
regretting it ever since.
“Why, oh why did I major in history?”
another graduate asked us.
Oh, God damn it. You know
what, this whole college thing is completely overrated, anyway.
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